Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Drinking the Strategic Fat Preserve

My reticent friend Durango coined the term "Strategic Fat Preserve".

I use it excessively. Or maybe massively excessive.

Has it ever happened to you, as it has to me, that you are refused a drink at a bar? How is this judgment made?

"Helloo mishter barrrrrtender. C'n I havsh anosher one ofsh thoshe shtequila thangsh?"

"I'm sorry sir, but I think you've had enough."

So, all because of a stumbling appearance and slirring of sentences I am denied the right to alcohol!

So, next day, I am recovering at the local burger joint enjoying a very greasy hamburger that is dripping down my chin and a large hydrating beverage of my choice, when some massive amount of strategic fat preserve somehow manages to waddle into the same burger joint as everyone else and orders a #3 combo and "Make it a MASSIVE Meal please."

So, the small and puny teenager behind the register obediently rings up the blood thickening burger and fries for the blubbery heart attack waiting to happen and takes the money. Soon, the death defying fattening will continue and now I have to eat faster before I lose my appetite.

Then, it occurs to me: the bartender can tell me I'm too drunk to drink. But, the burger joint guy was not able to tell this patron that they were too fat to eat. Why is that? Was I more obviously drunk than they were obviously fat?


  1. Is that your latest wife with you in that bar? She's packed on a lotta pounds since you Americanized her.

    Today will be my first day back in Texas. I'd gotten used to so many people up north looking like they'd had the air let out of them. Now I'll have to get adjusted to seeing so many bloated balloon people again.

    I'm shocked, shocked I tell you, that that skinny Madlen girl has joined the balloon people.

  2. Gar,
    I have taken on a massive Strategic Fat Preserve, and it is serving its stated purpose.
    A hostile foreign power (or fast food clerk) could deny me my god-given rights to quarter-pounders for about a year before depleting my SFP.

    Good post.

    I would write more, but I gotta get back to the fridge and continue fighting off anorexia.

  3. Thanks Allen. It's a compliment to be complimented by a blogger such as you. That sounded sarcastic. I have trouble being appreciative. It wasn't sarcastic no matter how it sounded.

    And Mr. Durango. I just don't know. That is not my wife in the picture and she has not become one of the balloon people, but you knew that already. You took that picture and Madlen was standing beside you.