Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The Aftermath

Back when I was in college, English was the after math.

In this particular case, I'm speaking of the aftermath of my surgery which occurred last Friday.

First, let me get started by telling you I don't like anesthesia. I was nervous when I arrived at the surgery center. The anesthesiologist called me the night before and asked me if I had any questions. She sounded friendly so I quizzed her about my insulin pump and blood sugar and letting her know I was a control freak and didn't like the idea of being at someone else's mercy for two and a half hours.

When she arrived in my room before the surgery, my first thought was, "Wow! She's kind of cute. I guess she's literally a knock out." When I get nervous I'm not very much pun to be around. No one was safe. Even the nurse asked if it would be okay if someone called me Monday. I told her I preferred they call me Gar.

As they started wheeling me towards the operating room, the cute little anesthesiologist was behind my bed pushing it and she put something in my IV. She said it would make me feel drunk. I told her only I should be allowed to put something in my IV, but she wasn't listening. I told her I wasn't feeling very drunk and she said, "That's probably because you have a tolerance from drinking beer." I don't remember anything after that.

The first thing I do remember, about two and a half hours later, was someone asking me if I could tell them my name and birthday. I told him. I felt completely aware like I'd never been out. I've been told that's rather unusual as most people are groggy for sometimes several hours after anesthesia. The only side effect I had was a trickle of a pee stream for two days (which was very irritating). I was so happy when that went away I would have jumped for joy. Except I was on crutches. Well, that, and the mess. You should really refrain from jumping and peeing.

I also noticed I had a fresh bandage on my finger. Nurses do not (for some inexplicable reason) know how to test blood sugar. It's like they try to take the end of your finger off. I remember when I was younger and the nurses would come in trying to test my blood sugar using a finger prick, I'd always politely ask that they just take a vial of blood from my arm as it was less painful. You'd think after 20 some odd years they'd have figured it out. Apparently not.

The guy who was quizzing me said he needed to test my blood sugar again. I winced. He did it without mess or bandage required. I told him my story about how no one seems to know how to test blood sugar correctly and showed him my two bandages. He told me he was diabetic (I hate when people call me diabetic, so don't do it) too so that explained that. Maybe all nurses should be required to test their own blood sugar 5 times a day for a month so they can become adept in the art of the non-painful finger pricks. I've suddenly grown fond of the term "finger pricks". Don't ask me why.

I have learned to literally hate crutches. I'm hoping I only have to be on them for two weeks, but considering the bump the doctor had to shave off my bone, I'm expecting a longer period of time on the crutches. They are concerned about a stress fracture. My labrum was uninjured. The pain was caused by the bump on the bone grinding the cartilage. So he took the bump off and repaired the cartilage.

Today, my bruising has turned a happy shade of yellow. I would take a picture and post it, but it's a bit close to my junk. If you've been following along, you know this all started out as a possible groin injury. I guess the location of the coloration gives me some amount of confidence that he repaired the correct area.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Bi-Weekly Update (7 of n)

I missed last week and not sure I can get another one off this week. Just in case you were wondering.

This Friday I'm having hip surgery. Wish me well! I have to be at the surgery center at 6 AM. I don't know if I'm more concerned about the surgery or having to get up at the butt crack of dawn.

I spent last week in England. It was horrific. This is my depiction of what England looks like:
I literally woke up at 8 AM, went to work in a warehouse and stared at a wall that looked much like the picture above (except slightly darker and grungier -- I wasn't feeling artistic when I created the picture and cameras weren't allowed in the warehouse).

I left the warehouse at 9 PM, had a quick dinner and went to bed so that I could get up the next day and do it again. This went on for 8 days. I think everyone should be thankful that I only threatened to quit once. The really sad part is I had to leave my colleague behind. It made me feel very dishonorable. But, it all comes down to self preservation and I survived.

I did come up with some new blog material while I was there. Now, I just need to find time to put it into some thin layer of barely comprehensible jargon.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Weekly Update (6 of n)

I really need to quit with this stupid weekly update slop. Maybe next week.

My trip to England is back on! I'm leaving tomorrow. This time they have me going more to the London area (the previous incarnation had me going to Edinburgh). I checked on tickets to any of the remaining 2012 Olympic events, but they are mostly sold out. I could get a ticket to the gold medal basketball game, but it would cost about $500. I'm not that desperate. So, I'll just buy a t-shirt and watch the games from a bar stool at an authentic English pub.

I don't have any exciting epiphany's this week. Which, is kind of sad. I went bowling yesterday and did so poorly that it depressed me and perhaps has affected my normally entertaining rants.

I'm trying to plan my next vacation. I'm thinking about spending a week in the Florida Keys to do some scuba diving and drinking and galavanting. I've heard Key West is wonderful for this kind of activity.

In case you didn't hear, the USA Women's Football team won the gold medal! They defeated Japan 2 to 1 today.

I just like saying "the women's football team". I used to live down the street from where the Dallas Diamonds played. Unfortunately, I never made it to a game. I think they are now defunct. At least their website has been suspended.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Stupid Weekly Update (The Stupid Top 10 – or 4)

Instead of a weekly update, I figured I could share with you a few stupid things I’ve discovered recently and not so recently.

#4 – All-way stops. I think USA may be the only country to possess such atrocities. They bring out the stupid in all of us. I saw a head on collision at a four-way stop on my way home from work the other day. How does this happen? Roundabouts are the way to go. Of course, they have roundabouts near where I live and they put stop signs at the entrance. I’m not sure which is more stupid (all-way stop or a roundabout with stop signs).

#3 – Montee Ball suffered an unprovoked attack by 5 males. It’s not his fault. It’s the news. Is 5 males the best description they could come up with? Did all 5 of them appear naked or did they all drop trou during the attack? How did he know they were male? It all seems rather odd. Way to go news media! It actually appeared this way on the NBC TV headline news. “Montee Ball attacked by 5 males. Could have concussion”. I wonder how that investigation is going. They haven’t questioned me yet. I really think it’s some kind of feigned political correctness gone wrong.

#2 – Texting and driving. At least when people drink and drive you can safely hope they may return to some semblance of intelligence after they sober up. And it’s not just the fear of accidents mind you. It’s the stupid ass in front of you going ten miles per hour under the speed limit while slowly weaving over the center stripe (to avoid hitting the curb) while he texts.

#1 – Chick-fil-A. I’m scared to even get started on this one. Are we all expected to shop based on the beliefs of the owners? That’s going to require a lot of work. The only people profiting from this fiasco are the owners of Chick-fil-A. I say if you like a small chicken sandwich with 2 pickles for $10, then eat there all you want.

You’ll probably be texting and driving en route. “I’m headed to Chick-fil-A. I don’t like their sandwiches, but I want to show them, by waiting in line an hour for one of those nasty morsels, that I believe the same narrow minded way they do! OMG! I must keep this short. The guy behind me is flipping me off because I’m driving slow and weaving into his lane. LOL!” or to keep things fair, “I’m headed to Chick-fil-A to protest their narrow mindedness because I’ve got no life, nothing better to do, and I narrow mindedly believe everyone should believe the same way I do. OMG! I must keep this short. The guy behind me is flipping me off because I’m driving slow and weaving into his lane. LOL!”

You can ask my kids. I’ve never liked Chick-fil-A. Chick-fil-A's narrow minded beliefs have nothing to do with it.

Forgot to mention this was 5 of n. For those counting along with me.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012


As you can see, I finally got around to renaming my blog. Unfortunately, it looks more like a travel blog than a trip into the world of Gar. Please keep your opinions to yourself. It'll grow on you like a fungus because I'm a fungi.

I don't know how many people who read this also see my Facebook posts. A couple of weeks ago I mentioned something derogatory about the place I work. I've been working here for 12 years and deadlines have always been more of a random shot in the dark than anything to strive for.

About two weeks ago I went on vacation. Corporate wanted something done by Friday and I left on Thursday without having finished it. Here again, 12 years of experience had taught me that deadlines were, in fact, someone with tremors throwing a dart at the side of a barn 50 yards away; behind their back and blindfolded.

Well, two weeks ago, they inexplicably really needed it done by Friday. So, the bastards called me while on vacation and accused me of missing the deadline with questions concerning how I was going to get it to them by Friday since I was on vacation. I managed to pull a few strings and had a colleague of mine get it to them by Monday.

This was all for my work trip to England scheduled for this Saturday.

Today, the corporate deadline people said, "There's no way we'll be ready by Saturday so we're delaying the install trip for two weeks." I'll be getting my hip operated on in about 3 weeks so my trip to England is suddenly canceled. Even after they interrupted my vacation because of "invented" deadlines. The bastards.

There. Now, I'm done venting.

Speaking of venting, do you know why birds are always irritated in the morning? Because their bills are over dew.

Boom chic bye.