Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Textual Frustration

Since I was a wee little tike, I have disliked talking on the phone.  I think it's my dad's fault.  He used to make the phone ring and pretend to be the evil Easter Bunny after I answered.

When I went to Germany the first time back in 2001, I was introduced to, what they call, SMS (short message service).  To me it was an instant way to send someone a message without the fear of talking to the Easter Bunny.  I loved it.  I was an instant addict.  I texted (SMS'd) all day long.

As many of you avid readers of my readerless blog know I also have no social skills.  To attempt to combat this enormous lacking in my persona, I have taken to trying to meet new people once a month.  A bar is the best place to do this.  It has the necessary components:
  • Random people sitting around the bar
  • Liquid courage
Lately, I have come to realize that more and more people are going up to sit at the bars alone and play with their freaking phone.  It makes me...irritated.  My first counselor used to tell me that irritation is just a form of anger, but I don't get mad so it can't be true.

I've also recently started toying with the idea of trying my hand at the mobile app market.  I'm thinking I'll write the Bar Fly Application.  You turn it on when you go to the bar and it will broadcast whether or not you are single or maybe, more generically, whether or not you are at the bar for some random socializing.  Then, you turn on your phone with the Bar Fly App, you get hundreds of indicators from all around the bar and you can send them a text message, "Hey Lonely Girl #2567, can I buy you a drink?"

There are obvious flaws.  The first one is how do you know which person you are texting?  I suppose part of the app could be a ping feature that makes a phone squelch.  Then you could ping Lonely Girl #2 through #2000 and listen for the squelch coming from the correct pocket.  Once you've keyed upon the appropriate squelch you can offer to buy the correct person a drink.  If you haven't been thrown out for staring at asses (with pockets).

There would also always be the token "hot" Lonely Girl whose phone would be in permanent squelch mode.

But then how would Lonely Girl #2567 know who sent her the message?  Would she look around the room trying to find Lonely Guy #813 with a sly look in his antisocial eye?  I rhymed that on purpose.

The obvious fix seems like it would be having a Bar Fly Application profile which contained a picture along with identifying features.  Each time you went to a bar, you could update your profile with where you were sitting and what color shirt you were wearing.  Underclothes or lack thereof would be cool as well, but not pertinent to the identification process.  Well, not unless you were really lucky.  Or unlucky I suppose.

Look for it coming your way soon: "The Bar Fly App" by Gar the Social Misfit.  I'll have to sell it for 99 cents or something.  We don't want a bunch of cheap socially inept people running around with the Bar Fly App.  Nobody wants to be texted by a cheap social misfit.

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