Monday, May 19, 2008

Odd Sense of Humor in the Stars

My blog is therapeutic for me. I normally write about things that bug me and my crazy opinions about why it bugs me. Today I will try something different.

I, believe it not, have a wickedly keen sense of humor. It can also be randomly insane.

I'll take this time to tell a true story about myself that will leave appreciative readers giggling and unappreciative readers going elsewhere for sanity.

When I got divorced 8 years ago, I started studying astrology. I went to a class and the lady teaching the class had everyone sit down based on their sun sign. I'm an Aquarius.

If you were being observant at the class, you would have noted that she left out one of the signs. I asked her about it later and she said that sign doesn't believe in Astrology so they never show up for her classes. I think it was Leo.

So, over the years I developed a one question test that I'd ask people at bars to guess their sign. I had a partner in crime for this. He's a crazy Sagittarius.

So, we'd go into a bar. Find the table with the hottest women we could find and go sit with them and say, "If you let us sit with you for a while, we can guess when you were born."

I guess I should mention at this point that I can't handle stupidity and I can't handle stubbornness. I suspect the two are closely related.

So, at this point in my story, I could be running for cover depending on how blank the expressions are looking back at me. Sometimes you get that 'deer in the headlights' look of the woman thinking, "Wow, I should have waited until I was 17 to drop out of high school."

But, more often than not, I am given enough positive reinforcement (read drunken entertainment) to continue my charade.

My first question is "How old do you think I am?"

Capricorns get irritated. They'll play, but they won't be happy and they usually guess old just to piss you off.

Aquarius say, "Well you are in here drinking beer so you must be at least 21". It's sarcastic humor. We hate being wrong, but we like experimenting and playing games with people's heads.

Pisces are hard to guess. They will happily play along as long as everyone else is, but their answers are not normally first and they change their answers to follow their predecessor's lead.

Aries will play, but they'll think you are stupid for playing such a silly game and will try to change the subject to politics or some other boring irritating subject that will get everyone's blood pumping. They'll say, "I think you're 40. Wasn't that how old Bush was when he quit drinking? Don't you hate that man. Worst President ever".

Taurus will play if they think you are cute enough and there isn't something else going on. If they are watching the band play or are in the middle of a different conversation, you might as well be talking to your hand -- unless you are really hot. I have good luck with Taurus.

Gemini are really hard for me to talk to. They pretend to play along, but the game has to be all about them so they'll tend to say, "Well, I'll tell you how old I think you are, but first you have to tell me how old I am. And don't you like my dress today?"

I don't like Cancers. George Bush is a Cancer. I have some Cancer friends who may be reading this so I have to be careful. So, I'll say -- in general, Cancers are slow. They talk slowly for some reason and I lack the patience to listen to them reason. "Uh. Do I get to ask you any questions before I guess your age? Is there a chance that you might be armed and take it out on me if I guess your age too high? What, uhhh, happens if I guess it right? Will you tell me if I'm right?"

Leos won't play, but they'll sit at the table and listen to their friends play. Unless their friends get really stupid then they'll try and put a stop to it. To me Leos are entertaining, but I have trouble guessing them most of the time. Sometimes Leos will play along if they are bored, but it will be "in passing".

Virgos get all silly when asked. I'm not sure why. I think perhaps they are too serious about life so they take a rather silly question and attempt to make it super silly in order to keep the scales of silliness in balance. Their typical answer is, "Do you ask everyone that?" followed by 10 minutes of intense giggling and beer snorting.

Libras are hard for me to guess correctly as well. I can talk to them and they are curious, but they lack a sense of humor. Getting a Libra to participate in the "guess my age" game requires proper presentation without too much wit. You must make it intriguing and not at all funny. They are the ones, that will defensively say, "Why does this matter?"

Scorpios are too busy thinking about themselves to really worry much about the answer. They are easy for me to guess because I dated a Scorpio for a few years and I can see them coming. I like Scorpios. They are entertaining. I just don't trust them.

Sagittarius are my favorite. It's like they are just waiting for a reason to be entertained and I can be very entertaining. What they don't realize is they become the entertainment because of me. And then I'm doubly entertained. They are easy to talk to, but their need for entertainment will make their response something like this, "If I guess your age within 2 years, you buy me a shot of tequila. If I guess wrong, then I'll buy you a shot of tequila. I'll play your little game if the outcome involves frivolity and drunkenness."

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