Cliff Notes of The Legendary Storm

In the past few days I have made several references to a storm that was brewing on another site.  I think I even linked the site in one of them.  It’s here.

Anyway, I’ve been questioned about its contents by those unfortunate enough not to have the time or desire to read through the drivel.

In honor of these folks, I have decided that I will supply cliff notes to said event.

To prepare, you need to know the players:

We’ll start with J.  I’m not in the mood to do a lot of typing.  J was the chief voice of reason and was consistently looking from both points of view in a seemingly futile attempt to bring peace.  Jesus starts with J.  Easier to remember that way.

The next player was hmmm.  Let’s call him D.  D stands for diminutive as he has a knack for belittling.  You can think of him as the D-man, if it helps you remember.

The third players we’ll call Q.  Queen starts with Q and all who hear Q’s announcements must fall to the floor in supplication as her word is gospel.  Jesus doesn’t start with Q, but Q’s words are gospel never the less.  None shall say anything that could possibly be thought of as contrary to the gospel according to Q.

We also have a set of A’s (not from Oakland).  A stands for Anonymous, Asshole, Amateur, Adversary to the Queen, Adoration to the Queen and so on.  I’ll just call them A1 through Am.  I don’t know how many there are right now.

And saving the best for last there was the humble mumblings of a player we’ll call Gar.

Ok, I’ll post this as a play.  As a bonus, Gar’s thoughts will appear in italics when necessary or humorous.

The play starts over on a clean blog slate we’ll call D’Land.

D (posing thought provoking conundrums to his mass of readers and to Q in particular): Oh Q, could you please enlighten us and let us know where the pristine water comes from that occupies these holes you have decreed as Wink Sink 1 and Wink Sink 2?  The water looks so inviting but I thought Wink was in a parched area of the world we call West Texas.

Q (trying to be polite to D, but not too polite to hide their secret romance): Oh Darlin, that pretty stuff is produced by the drilling industry that has marched upon my sacred lands stabbed it with numerous injection wells and filled it with brine water.

D (trying not to offend Q and somehow managing): How the heck can the drilling industry produce that much water?  They must have had alien help or something!

Gar (making his first appearance and setting the seeds for a huge blood bath): Winkler County sits on top of the Cenozoic Pecos Alluvium Aquifer.

Q (riled now): Water doesn’t come from aquifers and we all know Wink sits on top of an underground river.  That water is too far below ground.  I’ve been assured by the people that make assurances.  Go back to your cave and sulk until you think of something that is correct.

don’t ask cuz I don’t know

D (seeing an opportunity to become one with the Queen): Is Gar one of those oil/gas industry shills spewing forth propaganda and water?

yes I know.  “How the heck can drilling produce that much water” seemed more like something said by the shills but I didn’t write this play, I just summarized

Q (I’m not sure): Oh D, don’t be too hard on Gar.  That’s my job.  He’s no shill.  He’s just ill informed.  He believes what he types.

thank god someone does!

A1: Blah blah blah.  Crap runs down hill.  The aquifers could be compromised.  I love you my Queen.  Please protect us from the evil empire.

Q: Fear not A1 for I am with you I will pick up my bottle of wits and protect you.  Gar doesn’t know what the heck he’s talking about.  He says the aquifer filled the holes with water which is a load of crap, but not the kind that runs down hills.

I’m not leaving too much out.  You are correct when you say, “Gar didn’t say that”

J (finally! and thank God! and you’ll have to teach me how not to invoke the Q’s ire): It could be that the water produced by the evil industry is good for you.  Have you ever tried any?  Ha.  Just kidding of course (maybe that’s the trick).  I must say that what you say Gar said, even though he didn’t, could be true.  The aquifer could be filling the sink holes with water (insert technical data to back up statement).  But, I’m not an oil/gas lover as you all know!  I don’t even own a car.  I still ride my donkey every where.

Gar (something clicked inside my head – I’m not entirely sure what it was, but it was fun):  Damn it people can you read?  All I said was that Wink sits on top of an aquifer.  It’s not difficult.  (then I went on to berate the queen and accuse her of trying to make me look stupid – I swear I could hear the headsman sharpening his axe.  I may have also mentioned something about rain and looking up aquifer). 

Q: Well I got my information from the Commish.  I have decreed that the county commish is all knowing and therefore his word expressed through my keyboard is also gospel.  The County Commish told me, through various book reports and tours that the oil industry has been in Winkler County since the beginning of time spewing forth water and propaganda at a saturating rate!

At this point I paused.  I was wondering if this all knowing wizard also knew that if it weren’t for the industry there would be no commish (I don’t really call it a commish, I’m just using the Q’s lingo to try and score points). I also wonder if he knew that for thousands, perhaps millions of years Wink was at the bottom of an ocean.  But, since it was difficult for people to comprehend “Winkler County sits on top of an aquifer”, I chose to keep my comments to myself.

D (attempting to be antagonist, loyalist and friendliest all at the same time and he almost pulled it off):  Oh Gar, I asked where the pretty water in the sink holes came from and you said Wink sits on an aquifer so of course we all assumed that you were answering the question that I asked Q.  I didn’t ask you, but since you answered.  Oh and Q is blameless in all this you cranky old man.  Her words are like staccatos of classical gravy to my love starved ears.  And Happy Birthday.

It was my birthday, but I was afraid to assume he was talking to me so I kind of ignored it.  It was 2 days after J’s birthday and all.

Gar: You said my hometown area of Winkler County was a parched desert so I simply stated that it sits on top of an aquifer.  The possibility could exist, according to J that this is the source of the water, but I don’t know.  It’s just a theory (I may have added something about deer piss – the exact verbiage escapes me at the moment).

Q: Oh puh-lease.  Winkler County sits on top of an aquifer is the most muddled response to any question I’ve ever seen in my life.  Quit being an ass.  The queen decrees it and J rides it.  Or off with your head!

D: Oh Q you are so charming and delicious.  I wish I could just eat you up and quit imagining the gravy in my ears.  Gar is a pissy little bitch and deserves everything he has coming.  I can’t believe he actually said that Winkler County sits on top of an aquifer.  He must be out to get you or something.  He’s an insane little insensitive pissy little bitch who wouldn’t know an engaging dialog if it slapped him in the face!

Gar: Q.  In an effort to further your education I am recommending a dictionary opened to the definition of muddled.  D, you’ll just have to do a search for “engaging dialog”.

D: I know you are, but what am I?  I mean, uh, look up pissy little bitch or just find a mirror eh.

J: Something about Wink having sinkholes.  Something about various players having hemorrhoids.  Something about sillyheads.  Something about MTV reality shows.

It wasn’t his best scripture.  It was amusing though.

D: Be careful J.  You must not say anything that could bring you closer to Q.  She is mine!  Be more juvenile or join Gar in his Pissy Little Bitch kingdom.

D & J have a private dialog about A3 (a yet unseen post – not the musical group) making Gar look like Susy Sunshine.  Being 35 or 70 or something (their age).  And the decency of D in deciding whether or not to censor A3 and sending A3’s comment to Q for perusal.

A3: Q, quit hiding your love for D like some silly schoolgirl.  Everyone can see that you agree with everything he says.  It’s time to step up to the plate and propose marriage so you can quit being bitchy.

I believe A3 was beheaded.

D: Oh Q, puh-lease be my bitch.

Am (let’s just call her Molly for readability’s sake but she was anonymous – thus the Am): I am either the Q in disguise or someone hired by D to join the fray.  Oh, did I say that out loud?  Gar’s a belligerent little puke.  I can’t believe he said Wink sits on top of an aquifer.  The nerve!  Oh, and J’s a cute little guy.  Oh yeah, and being anonymous is cowardly.  I looked it up in the mirror.

Gar: Ok.  I’m sorry.  Winkler County does not sit on top of an aquifer.  Can I keep my head?

J: A3 is a headless ass.  Perhaps you guys should quit talking about sink holes and start talking about gay rights or healthcare or something.

D: Oh Gar.  Perhaps you don’t understand what people think of you.  You say, “Wink sits on an aquifer” and everyone hears, “I am smarter than you are, I am smarter than you are, I am smarter than you are, nah nah nah nah nah” and no one likes to hear that.  You need to work on your communication skills.  Wink sits on top of an aquifer can be taken too many ways.

D: Oh I almost forgot! Molly, I love the way you chat.  You are almost as coherent as Q, but don’t tell her that.  No no.  I want to keep my head.

Gar: I already apologized once.  I’m sorry I misinformed your listening audience by saying Winker County sits on top of an aquifer.  That was entirely misleading.  I promise I’ll work on my communication skills before spewing forth any more horrible misinformation.  I promise, promise promise!  Really!

A4: Oprah Winfrey’s coming to town.  She says she wants to get to the bottom of this and make sure you two aren’t related.

I believe Oprah is codename for the executioner.  I’m skeered.

D: Gar, you need to go back to your psychiatrist.  You are so insensitive.  First you confuse everyone and then start calling everyone names while they are still befuddled.  It’s not nice at all.  Perhaps a psychiatrist could help you overcome your muddled way of derailing engaging dialogue.  God save the Q.

Ae: D is good, D is great, if I was cake D would be my plate.

Gar: Ok, you win. I am an insensitive, non dialoging, non communicating pissy little bitch.  Please please help me with my insecurities and insurmountable problems with charm and social skills.  Cuz you are great and the Q is too, but I don’t want to be anywhere near the plate.  And why is Molly calling A3 cowardly for being anonymous and calling people names?  Didn’t she just anonymously call me a puke?

J: Ok guys.  Wink sits on top of 3 aquifers.  You guys jumped way too far down Gar’s throat.  Gar way overreacted.  Don’t gang up on Gar.  He’s hypersensitive.  Gar, calm down.  All is right with the world. Party on Wayne.  Party on Garth.

D: I love Molly even though she is technically anonymous.  Let her bitch slap you if she wants to Gar.  I decree it and I’m 2 steps from being King.  Thanks for the aquifer info J.  Way to stay on neutral ground (I thought that was a way odd comment for obvious reasons). Gar and A3 are now allies cuz Gar said Winkler County sits on top of an aquifer and A3 called Q a bitch.  Damn allies.

J: I’m moving to Switzerland.  I hear they’ve agreed French is a prettier language than German.  They are quite neutral. Like me.

Lots of insanity from Molly and Gar and D which I don’t care to document.  It was inconsequential and in fact I was beginning to see the writing on the proverbial end of the tunnel.  Most of it was Molly calling Gar names and arguing that she/he/it was not anonymous because when they posted they typed in “Molly”.  I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

Q: Oh I am so lucky!  All my loyal anonymous allies and D are stepping up to the plate to defeat A3.  How quaint.  And D, will you marry me so I can quit being a bitch?

D: My my my, I step away for but a moment and Q is asking for my hand in marriage.  I’m all like blushing or something.  Or perhaps my blood is pumping from the exciting possibility of inheriting my kingdom!

D & Q then exchange a multitude of quaint love notes accusing Gar of being A3.

A5: You know I’ve lived in this parched desert for 30 years and my kids and I go out swimming in these sink holes.  The water is not bad.  I don’t know that you’d want to drink it though.  It’s not brine water.  Fish could live in it.

I could see why A5 posted that anonymously.  God forbid people use the evil drilling man’s water for recreation.  They could be shills spewing forth propaganda.  I am just thankful he didn’t say anything like, “Winkler County sits on top of an aquifer”.  I reckon molten lava would have erupted from the shit storm that would have caused!

The rest of it degenerated into D (the moderator) not being able to manage his blog.